i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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