I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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