it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
