In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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