Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
