I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
