my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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