the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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