I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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