lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
PANTIES FOUND
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
