Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
