He had one of those small greek statue penises
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
