you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
