If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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