I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You made out with two different species that night
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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