Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
