When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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