i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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