TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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