I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
