i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
