I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
