I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
