i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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