I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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