nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
