why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
