It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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