Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
