She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
