So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Can I color on your dick again?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
