I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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