when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
