I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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