Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
one two three fourrrrnication!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
