I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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