White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
