I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
