When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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