I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
