You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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