My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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