I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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