Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
