butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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