Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
