So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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