I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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