so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
