After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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