drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
