Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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