Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
