At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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